I was in conflict with someone close… it’s never my intention to be a foe though I regularly fire the odd cannon ball, so in hindsight it’s not surprising that a few grenades head back my way, and that despite conscious intention, there’s a lot of shrapnel in the air. So maybe my use of weapons should be a lot more strategic. Less lose cannon balls more guided missiles.
So, I’m being a servant again - and I’m a pretty bloody good servant, most of the time, except when it conflicts with other roles I’m supposed to be playing, based on a complex set of historical values… (and a history of avoiding administration).
...there is lots of cognitive, emotional, and body dissonance for me, especially with the new value that I’m deliberately expanding i.e. 'I matter’ And that is not the feeling this morning.
I am cranky ‘cause I’m already feeling like I matter less than most others at this moment and THEN I'm standing in a fresh steamy pile of dog shit! FFFF (fight flight freeze and the other F word).
In the HEAT of the moment some-things philosophical and a smidge practical sprung up (in my mind/body/spirit's effort to cope…)
- 'Bloody stinky shit, how did I not see that?'
- 'That’s not my shit!'
- 'Bastard of a lazy dog owner that didn’t clean it up (or at the very least scrape it off into the garden a few feet away)'
- 'If I knew who owned the dog I could give them a spray of my thoughts and complex feelings!'
- AND - none of this shitty thinking is helping…
- 'I have to deal with this shit! Even though it’s not my shit, I gotta deal with it...'
- 'Thank goodness the grass is wet from rain overnight, it’s helping a lot to deal with this shit.
- It’s easier to just deal with the shit than to ask anyone else to sort it.'
- I could throw my shoes away or I’d have to find and ask the owner of the dog to clean my shoes, or I could just scrape them on the wet grass till it’s sorted.’
- 'Even if the owner was standing right here I would still have to deal with this shit'.
- 'Deal with the shit'
- 'Abandon the shoes and find another pair’
so now I’m driving up the highway appreciating the shitty Zen historical moments!
- sometimes it’s easy to tell who’s shit it is, or at a minimum you know it’s not yours, but they’ve left it behind and you have a few decisions to make
- other times when there is shit everywhere it’s hard to tell whose shit is whose?
- sometimes it just really really stinks and you couldn’t care less who it belongs to, you just need to walk briskly in another direction!
- don’t throw shit around ‘cause you almost always have to be involved in the clean up
- sometimes shit makes you aware and appreciate the better aromas in your life, and the serendipitous ‘wet grass’ that reveals itself as an option to deal with shit (regardless of who’s it is…)
...in the end I’m feeling like a pretty lucky Duck, ‘cause even though there is still a lot of shit to deal with, I have a really great pond with an awesome filtration system, and some nice wet grass around the banks.
I still think it’s important to figure out where the shit came from, rather than always using 'wet grass' to deal with it. Being grateful for 'wet grass' people and circumstances has been an awesome way to live in most scenarios, and these days I’m more inclined to ask the original owner of the crap to return to deal with their mess entirely or at least assist with the process. Other times you are just glad they have gone and it’s much more peaceful to just block your nose and remove the offending crap.