When you are a little too curious, it seems some around you experience you as not quite sane.
Sanity, from where I'm standing - is a fragile thing…
...have you ever tried to convince someone you were sane?
If they don’t know you at least part way to the core, you are wasting your time.
‘cause it seems to be a very complex thing i.e. knowing another human, and assessing their level of sanity, even for a trained specialist. It takes a bit of time, to see the patterns with any individual (or group).
I work with a lot of complex talented people in all sorts of contexts, and I do business with a bunch of people - often just ‘cause you have to to get through the complicated maze of living, and making a living. And some of them… over a period of time you get to really like (and at the same time you can’t get any closer ‘cause they have a limited perception of who you might be - and part of that perception is that you are absolutely fricken nuts!)
I’ve known a guy for around a decade now who I think, thinks I am a bit nuts! Well of course he is right. He is a gifted man in many ways, and I am a gifted man in many ways… God or some other force seems to have decided which gifts you get.
I have a bit of music, a bit of empathy, a bit of humour (subjective I know), a bit of courage, a bit of love and tenderness, and I reckon a truck load of persistence, even when I screw up in the same way, or at least versions of the same way over and over… but it never seems quite the same to me - it’s complex for me, but from the outside others might think it’s just the same shit, again! So, for example, this fellow that I know, is gifted in administration. I would like to be a fly on the wall when he talks about what I’m trying to achieve (and I know he has mentioned me, ‘cause he told me he mentioned me to his team), I don’t think he really has a deep understanding of what it is I am aiming at, and who I might be at the core… or maybe he does, it's just that my other factors make me difficult to assist.
I would really like his help, but he would probably need to believe that I am sane, first. What I wish is that he would give his honest feedback, as opposed to getting one of his minions to contact me (I don't have any issue with his minions - they are all cool - extensions of him in fact, makes sense. I want something different directly from him - I've analysed that too).
If I am not worthy, I can cope with that. I actually really understand it, I think. Because when I replay in my mind the interactions that we have had, I would come to similar conclusions about me as he has (I’m assuming of course that I have a rough idea of the conclusions he has come to… :)) I may be way out of whack in my perceptions - but I don’t think I am.
So, I’m not very good for his business. I’m not paying enough for the time his minions (and especially he) has spent on me, so why doesn’t he just ‘let me go’ ..? I don’t know..? I am hoping that it’s because he has a ‘sense’ that there is a bit more… more than the peripheral madness… or even core madness that might be able to be worked around...
It could be as simple as ‘business reputation’. He’s a very patient businessman, and his team also reflect that. They are awesome. I’ve never met any of them, but in all of my phone and email interactions with them, none of them have ever lost patience with my procrastination, forgetfulness, and bad jokes :)
I would like the team leader (the human I have admired on a range of levels for a decade) to have the guts to say what he really thinks I need to hear. My guess is that what he has to say I have already heard (i.e. it is not in my blind spots). There are many people that do this in my life (i.e. hold back on vital info they think I’m are blind to. And I do it to many other people. It's social etiquette. It’s a complex dance of culture and illusion that we want to believe is important. It is important, whether you are taking notice of it or not.
So, what if you believed it was important to process even some of that stuff out loud..? Where would the process lead? I’m obsessively curious it seems, about where that could go. I test it regularly. Sometimes it is delightful, other times it turns to crap; oh well...